Solutions

I wish I were writing a conclusion to the previous post.  But, rather than coming up with solutions, I have arrived at many things that are NOT solutions:

Fighting back is NOT a solution.

No matter how much you want to scream and flail your arms wildly, hoping to take out the attacker with a lucky shot, it is not going to help.  This only lengthens the attack and, in fact, turns it into a fight.  I don’t know about you, but my mom always told me not to get involved in fights.  There is a reason for that.  Somebody is going to get hurt and in this case, possilby covered in fecal matter…not your own.  When I tried this tactic, it backfired wildly.  While I did avoid the fecal matter, I did not deter the attack.  I also did not deter the people across the road from video taping the whole thing.  Perhaps some good will come of this.  Perhaps they will win $10,000 with that video someday.

Trying to reason with the attacker is NOT a solution.

In many cases, you can talk a person out of doing something.  I, myself, am quite skilled at this.  However, when dealing with animals, especially those that are not domesticated, there is no reasoning.  They are called animals for a reason.  So, I attempted to reason with this animal in much the same way that Ceasar, the Dog Whisperer would.  I was firm, confident and I meant it when I “Tzssssst”-ed at the animal.  This also was ineffective as this animal had no reason to listen to my authority. 

Making noise to deter an attack when approaching the animal is NOT a solution.

I tried singing while approaching the usual area of attack.  In this particular case, I believe this alerted the animal to come towards me quicker and more furiously.  Perhaps I should have wore bells and yelled “No bird!  No bird!  Stay away bird!” 

Changing routes is NOT a solution.

I believe this makes it more of a game for the attacker.  I become an object of pursuit.  Today I came from a different direction and stopped short of the area I am usually attacked.  When I was late for my arrival, the animal came looking for me and punished me for having to come all this way just to attack me in the usual way by attacking me relentlessly for much longer than usual.

Soon, I fear this bird will be waiting for me outside of my house when I leave for work…just to mess me up when I least expect it.

Bullies

I’m Baaack!  But, today I am preparing to write on a very serious matter.  A topic that I think is too often overlooked.

I am a runner.  I would even call myself pretty devoted.  I run in all kinds of conditions.  My relationship with running is a love/hate relationship, yet still I continue to run.  There is something about the scent of the changing seasons as I breathe it through my labored lungs that is both exhausting and energizing.  Something about the feeling of my muscles as they twitch in pain and triumph while I sprint to the end of my path that makes me long for the next time I can go for another dance along the beaten path.

I run in rain and snow.  I run in icy conditions and humidity over 90%.  I run in temperatures above 90 degrees and approaching 0 degrees.  When the wind is gusting around 40 mph, still I run.

When my knees ache and my ankles are swollen, I run.  When my stomach is screaming–too full, too empty–I run.  When my nose is running and my asthma is challenging my lungs, I run. 

I have tripped, I have fallen, I have been tangled with my dog in front of people, and still I get up and run. I have had old blisters and created new ones, I’ve had road rash and splinters, I’ve been tired, I’ve been grumpy, I’ve made excuses for reasons not to run and I still tie on my worn shoes and drag myself to a different section of the trail to run.

But, the last two weeks, I have met a challenge that I never dreamt I would ever encounter–especially while doing something that my body and my mind seem so addicted to accomplishing each day.  Something that has literally made me question my love for the trail and my ability to go on.  Something that I have lieterally dropped to my knees with tears in my eyes while encountering.  A bulley.

I know, how does this happen on the trail?  How does this happen in the midst of God’s creation and goodness?  I don’t know.  These are answers I’ve been searching for day and night.  What I have concluded, though, is that there must be a lesson to learn from this.  That is why I am writing it out, to sort my thoughts.

At first I thought the incident was simply coincidental, but each day as I approach the same area of the trail, the same familiar corner, the same tree that brushes my hair as I run beneath it, the same thing happens as the day before.  In fact, I have to pass through the same area, not once, but TWICE to return.  Furthermore, I have watched other people pass the same strecth of territory, completely unaffected.  Now I know it is not coincidental.  This is purely intentional.  I’ve asked myself, What am I doing wrong?  What can I do to avoid making this happen tomorrow?  What can I do to change this outcome? 

At first I just tried to continue running through the attack–as if I was oblivious to what was going on.  Then I couldn’t take it anymore and have made it standard practice to completely change course and go off trail as I approach what I have come to know as no-man’s land.  That worked temporarily, but now the bulley is on to my strategy.  Now the bulley waits for the moment I will cross her path.  She watches from her perch as I approach her territory.  I’m sure she sits there all morning until she sees me coming.  Then, I get one loud warning scream.  If I don’t turn around, and I won’t!  Then she attacks! 

Screaming she swoops upon me, pinching at my hair.  Just as you think it is over, she swoops and screams again, and again, and again.  It goes on like this for at least 1/10 of a mile.  She never touches my flesh, but the screaming alone is enough to make a person crazy!  It all happens so quickly, I can never actually see her, only her shadow if the sun is just right as she usually comes from behind.

Did I mention that my bulley is a bird?

How do I combat this?  I am at a loss here.  Today I even planned to retreat to an alternative return route instead of having to face her again on my way back.  But, that route adds about a mile to my route and fatigue clouded my judgement.  I crossed her path…again.  Sprinting through the attack, I vowed I would not have this problem again.  I will somehow stand up to this!  But how?

Is it really ME that has to change?  Do I look like a big scary egg-thief as I grunt, spit and sweat my way past her beloved nest?  I don’t know.

I’m considering bringing in back-up.  That is a risk in itself because I know the only creature brave enough to take this on with me is my dog, Onyx.  Let me just say, she’s a bit of a hazard herself.  I’ve had a few more bruises and scrapes than I would like to admit while running with her at my side. 

Of course, that is a more passive approach, assuming there will be power in numbers.  My husband is a little more aggressive in handling these kinds of situations.  Recently, he purchased electrified fly swatters.  You can imagine his solution to this situation.

I’m convinced there is a happy medium.  There is a way for us to share the territory.  We WILL find harmony.

Bulleying is a serious and hazardous action.  I know there are answers to this serious problem.  I’m convinced I will find it!

 

Discalimer:  I am not making fun of the topic of bulleying, but rather the fact that I have been getting my butt kicked by a bird for two weeks!

For Angel

Today I had the chance to speak with a good friend in a way that re-awakened so many ideas and feelings about this condition in which we humans are caught.  So many topics were covered, yet one theme stuck out.  There is such a connection in every situation at every moment to everything that it is hard to deny that there is reason for it all.

Sometimes, you meet a person that plays a role in your life that you didn’t even know was unfilled.  Somehow, you were completely unaware of the casting call they answered.  People drop in and out of your life, everyday.  Each of those people plays a part in the story of your life at that given moment.  

Sometimes,these people are but a whisper.  They are there for a moment, but you barely recognize why, when they arrived, and when they stepped out of the pictures.  Their presence is evident only after the moment has already passed.

Sometimes, they arrive like a storm.  They are there in the heat of the moment, they are fueling the fire.  They immediately change, they possibly damage.  Only after they are gone do you realize the change and possible damage they have managed to create.

Sometimes they move you like the wind.  They are there for a very specific reason.  They accomplish that goal.  Then they quietly step out.

More often we have the people that act like the effect of weather and environment.  They are always there.  They are there for everything and for very long periods of time.  When they leave, your life is so changed by them that you look nothing like the person you were before.

God places people in my life so specifically that when I look back, I see very specific people in very specific roles at all of the milestone I have met.  My testimony to God outlines a path of people and events that had any of those been out of place or missed their cue, I may not have made it to this point.  It would have completely changed the outcome.  I think most people would agree that this is true. 

But what about those other people?  What about those roles that you sometimes miss?  What is their message to you?  What is that connection?  I guarantee there is one.  God does things on purpose.  There is a reason.

Look at the people that surround you daily.  Place them in your life story.  That’s easy.  But, what about that lady that was behind you at the grocery store with the crummy kid that she kept giving in to?  You know, the one you kept thinking about how to solve the problem that was obviously the kid?  Haven’t you seen her somewhere before?  Think…I bet there is a connection.  There is a very specific reason that she is standing there, right behind you.  Think…harder…you’re going to miss it!  What is the message?  It may be something so small that you think it to be insignificant.  But it isn’t, it is part of a bigger plan and if you don’t act, right now, on whatever that message is, you are going to miss it! 

Think about it.  On your path, certain things had to be in place for specific things to happen.  Not all of them were that great.  Maybe a sarcastic suggestion from a person really got your wheels turning and helped you make a decision that ultimately turned into one of the biggest of your life.  Or maybe you fell and dropped all of your papers and had that person not helped you gather them as they were strewn about in the wind, they would all be gone.  But, you didn’t think about that, did you?  All you thought about was the mud prints from the shoes of that person that are forever imprinted on those papers. 

 Those things turn into huge things because they affect your person.  And your person makes a lot of decisions without you even realizing it.  Your person decides your attitude for the day which decides your outlook on your projects which determines the outcome of those projects which determine the success of…your person.

So, if you can recognize the “whispers” in our own lives, don’t you think we can make a bigger impact on the lives of those we whisper to?  Back to the scenario:

Oh, that is it.  You saw her at that support group for single mom’s.  There is a much bigger story there.  Identify with it and act.  “Hey, what a busy day here, huh?  Can I help you with your bags?”  No matter how she responds, the fact that you acted on a whisper will change the course of her day.

The friend I was speaking with today has a gift.  Actually, I believe all humans have gifts.  But that is an entirely different topic.  Her gift is that she can see the big picture.  She can see how these little pieces of decency and kindness can whisper so much happiness into a person’s life.  She can see what a great impact she can have on the lives of others with tiny little seeds of kindness which she personally and very intentionally plants everywhere she goes.  Her gift appears to be a good heart.  But that isn’t really her gift.  Her gift is the ability to act on God’s nudges.  Her gift is that she can see the good that God sees in people and can treat them like the treasures they are in His heart.  Her gift is that she can help put God’s plan into action.

Maybe we’ll just call her an Angel…

Babel

“Me do it, me-self!”

Many times I have heard the story of one of my cousins yelling this phrase when an adult tried to help her, a toddler, do anything.  I suppose, there is a phase that all children must go through in order to gain independence from those who have continually cared for them from the day they were born–but do we ever really grow out of that phase completely?

As we mature, we are taught and encouraged to ask for help when we think we need it.  For some of us it is difficult to gauge when that point comes.  Many people, I think will always deny help or even the need for it.  Sometimes we just need to give in and realize that sometimes, somebody might know best.  Sometimes, we just need to learn to trust somebody elses knowledge and allow them to take over.  On a very human level, that is incredibly difficult.  I think, to a point it is in our nature to continually seek independence.

As a Christian, this struggle can be even more difficult on a different level.  So often, we find ourselves struggling to trust God and give our lives to Him.  We find it hard to not only listen TO Him, but to even listen FOR Him.  We are so caught up in what we think will build a successful life–doing it OUR way–that we forget that He is the one with the control here.  He knows the best path for our lives, if only we would listen for His guidance.

This isn’t new.  In fact, I started thinking about this while I was doing my daily Bible reading.  Way back in Genesis, this struggle is evident.  Of course Tonya, you are thinking.  The whole reason we are in this situation called the human condition is because of The Fall–not trusting and not listening was evident there.  But that one is obvious.  The Flood is another good story to compare this condition to, but that isn’t it either.  I’m thinking about the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11:1-9.   

In verse 4 the people decide to build a tower that reaches to heaven, because how else are they going to get there, right?  Isn’t that just human of them?  “You know, God, your way of getting to heaven is nice, but watch how we can do it better…easier.”  They wanted to do this to make a name for themselves.  Notice, though, how at the end of the verse they are worried about being scattered about the earth.  Now, who did they think would do that?  They have no reason to believe that there is any other living being IN THE WORLD.  In verse 1 and 2 ”the people” that came up with this idea are described.  Those verses give us every reason to believe that these people are the people of the whole earth and they traveled together and lived together and came up with this idea together.  So, who were they so worried about scattering them abroud?

I am not saying that this is THE way to understand this passage, but I am inclined to at least wonder if they were worried about God scattering them about before they could achieve their greatness.  Of course, God did eventually do this.  But the point is, they were trying to do something to make them great.  They were trying to do it by their own power.  They were, in fact, trying to keep God out of it–this great idea of getting to heaven by earthly means which to them was a tower.  Would you agree that this placed their attitudes somwhere above God?  How is that ever going to work for them?  How can you be successful in anything if you think you are above God, like you can bypass him and just do it on your own?

First of all, we should acknowledge that this does speak somewhat to those who think they can get to heaven by doing great earthly things.  I’m not saying that many causes aren’t worthy, but being great on earth, isn’t going to get us any closer to heaven.  Obviously, we can’t even attempt something so great as building a tower that walks us right into heaven.

How often do we do this?  After thinking about this, I thought about my own list of priorites for the day.  I had a lot of things to accomplish all of which would make me great at something if I just stuck to it.  I had a goal in mind for my run and my workout to make me faster and stronger.  I had a list of things to accomplish in the house to make me a good wife and housekeeper.  I had a list of things to get done at work to make my customers happy which in turn would make my  boss view me as successful.  I’ll read this and that and memorize these things for school so I can be better at school and be a successful nurse someday.  And, oh yeah, I need to do some Bible study and I have a list of things that I need to pray about. 

How many times have I understood this struggle, and still I see myself falling back to this list of things I can do myself to add to my own success.  I’ll be successful if I can do most or all of them and somehow, I’ve forgotten to keep God at the forefront.  You can be successful doing it yourself.  But, you’ll be more successful and it will be easier, more fulfilling success if you trust in God and remember to stop and listen for His guidance.  He has the easiest path, the easiest solution.  For His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30)

That same day, the next part of my reading brought me to Psalm 5 which reads in part:

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my meditation.

Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray.

My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.

For thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness: neither shall evil dwell with thee…

Lead me, O Lord, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face.

For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue.

Destroy thou them, O God’ let them fall by their own counsesl; cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions; for they have rebelled against thee.

But let all those that put thier trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.

For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou cojmpass him as with a shield.

I am going to commit this to my morning prayer for a while to help open my heart and my ears to His guidance.  I need to remember to remove the Babel from my human nature and remember that I will always need my Father in Heaven.

A Dark Night

I lie next to him

My saddness crushing me and my happiness into this pillow

It catches my grief

soaking it up in the form of wet, salty, burning tears.

 

I know he’s lying next to me

But I don’t feel him

The barrier of blankets and pillows is like an emotional wall he’s built

To keep people like me out

 

It takes all my energy to make my tears fall in silence

I strain to hear his steady breath

-the rhythm that tells me he is peaceful

somewhere in his easy dreams

 

In return for this effort and pouring out of silent emotions

I am enveloped in an uneasy heat

Not the warmth and comfort of a hug filled with love

But the wet, salty heat of anger, confusion, and emptiness

That the blankets catch and smother me with

 

Soon, my sleep will come, too

My heart will finally become worn and tired and soggy with grief

And I will be heaped into a sleep with dark lonliness that will get me by until morning

Then the sunshine will raise me up and resurrect my happiness again.

Homesick

What is homesickness without a home?  It doesn’t even feel the same.  But there is no other way to describe the feeling.  I was just listening to “Homesick” by the Kings of Convenience and I realized what an interesting situation I have in regards to home.

While I was home, I couldn’t stop thinking about leaving.  I knew as soon as I graduated, I was leaving and there was no turning back.  All I wanted was to get out of the house, out of that small town and head toward something bigger and better.  I purposely picked a school where NOBODY I knew would be.  I purposely picked a program that kept me involved, but didn’t rely on me to keep going.  And, when I left, I stayed gone. 

When I got where I was going, I wrapped myself so tightly in the new activities and hustle and bustle of school and a new town that I had no reason to think of home.  Finally, I found a place where people didn’t know me.  I no longer had to appear a certain way.  I didn’t have to expect to see people while I was shopping for groceries.  I could go places and not be spoken to–not even be noticed.  I didn’t have to answer to anybody for not wanting to “go out”.  And, if I did go out, it didn’t have to be with anybody, let alone anyone in particular. As far as I was concerned, outside of my small handful of friends or rather, acquaintances, I was anonymous.  It…was…awesome.  It was exactly what I needed in order to grow up and get over myself.

I rarely went home.  The travel was just enough that I could get away with it–unless the dorms closed for a holiday, then it was just close enough to be convenient.

I didn’t keep in touch with anybody.  Not that I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t.  I had things to do beyond home and I would not let anything send me back.  For so much of my pre-adult life, I was worried about hurting people’s feelings and, in effect, worrying about what people thought about what I was doing and I was tired of living up to that standard.  I needed to find my own standard.  I needed to find my own place in this world and it needed to be beyond the comfort of home…at least for a while.

 I was on a mission to do great things only to have people find out about them the hard way.  Really, that is still a work in progress.  But, that is no longer the driving force.   I’ve grown out of myself enough to take pride in much smaller “great things” that most people will never even hear about, and I love that about being away from home.

Then something happened that changed my idea of home forever, and it had nothing to do with physical relocation and everything to do with relocation of the heart. 

One year, while I was still long gone, our home began an incredible transformation.  We got a new kitchen, new paint and new furniture.  Our home had never been more beautiful.  But, more than that, my mom took on this whole new idea of life.  Suddenly, small things became so much greater.  I remember the day I realized it.  She was listening to praise music on the satellite and I gave her a new comfortable jumpsuit that I had bought before I came home, for her to wear while she was traveling to and receiving her treatments.  When I gave it to her, you would have thought I had given her a new puppy.  She was so incredibly grateful for it.  And, everytime I saw her after that, she wore it at least once.  That made me incredibly sensitive to the atmosphere of our home with her.  There was so much love and gratitude…emmense gratefulness. 

Happiness became tangible to me in those days.  Believe me, happiness didn’t always involve smiles, happiness had a lot of tears, too.  And that was home.  That was real life.  That was what, I think, I had been looking for.  Home was so beautiful for the next few months and I did everything in my power to go back during those months.  Suddenly, I could not get enough of home.

Then, one day, home diappeared.  I remember that first day we drove back from Denver without mom.  The drive was even different.  But, as soon as we walked into that house without her, it became so real.  We all lost every sense of home when we lost her.

All the memories in that old house never brought home back.  For me, home was lost.  No matter how many times I went back to that old house, it was never home again.  Her life and her spirit made it home.  Without it, that home became unreachable.

Now I long for something greater than any thing I can find in any old house.

And, homesickness will never be the same.  I don’t even understand homesickness anymore.

That song I mentioned, “Homesick”, ends by saying “Homesick.  Because I no longer know where home is.”  In a way that is exactly what I mean.  Except, I guess I know where home is.  It just has nothing to do with the simple comfort I used to find in a house.  Home is simply lost to me here.  In effect, I am homeless.

I spent so much time trying to get away from home and now I find myself doing everything I can to get back.

A Day of Rest

I awoke today in complete, quiet darkness.  It surprised me at first considering I had actually planned to sleep in a bit.  Then I realized that this darkness was artificial for a change.  This time, only the curtains were drawn on the windows.  It was nice.  I was buried in a warm darkness with only comfort singing to my heart and ringing in my ears.  I whispered a few prayers and praises and slowly, as I became more and more concious, the sounds of the world came crashing in–the traffic outside the window, the busy birds at work, the kids on the nearby playground.  The world was beckoning me and I started listing everything I hoped to get done.  Suddenly, I had laundry to continue to do, some studying here and there, a run to accomplish, dishes, dishes, dishes, dusting, vacuuming–everything I can’t accomplish on any other day.

I dream of a day when I can do nothing but spend some time in the Word, listening to music, writing, singing, sipping coffee, snacking on leftovers so as not to even lift a finger to cook.  I think, though, that day is preceded by another day where I don’t have to do anything so I can get EVERYTHING else done.  That day has a prerequisite day where every piece of laundry must be done, trash must be out, dusting and vacuuming must be completed, dishes are done and put away, the bathroom must be disinfected and cleaned, studying must be completed, and the dogs must be exercised to near exhaustion so they too, will do nothing but lay around–not barking, not whining, not even wagging a tail–just laying quietly and offering their affection occassionaly.

Does this day exhist?  I think it can.  But it would require some great training and discipline.

Are you kidding me?  Did I just claim that a day of rest would require discipline and training?  A marathon should require discipline and training.  But a day of rest?  Maybe in our culture,  that is true.  I mean, what have we been taught about success?  It takes work, right?  And who doesn’t want to to be successful?  And lets face it, once you become successful in one area of your life, you strive to achieve more success in maybe another area. 

We are constantly working on ourselves.  We are constantly seeking to be better or the best in something.  And you know what?  That just plain, wears me out!  I am constantly chasing something and I get tired!

Maybe I should re-adjust my thinking.  Who is the most successful being I know?  I can name many people I think are successful.  We all can.  Many of these people are probalby even our idols, people we set as THE examples in our lives.  But, who is the greatest example?  For me, I would be a liar or even a hypocrite if I didn’t admit it was Jesus–God in the flesh.

What did God do?  He created EVERYTHING.  And He did it in 6 days.  He worked so hard being the best at what he was doing–creating–that on the seventh day, He said, I’m going to rest.  I’ve done all I can do.  If God did it, I can do it.  Actually, it would be more accurate and perhaps more convicting to wonder, if God can do it–create everything–in 6 days and rest on the seventh, then why can’t I do everything, strive for everything, work for everything that I do in 6 days, and rest on the seventh?  I am merely human and my responsibilities are nothing compared to that of the Creator.

I can and I should.  Mark 2:27 says in part, “…The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath…”  God made the sabbath for us.  And he made it not by working, but by ceasing from work.  He blessed that day and set it aside for man to rest and worship. 

Wouldn’t that be beautiful?  I envision so much more peace, so much less fatigue (which highly interferes with much success if you ask me), so much better health, so much more success (wrap your head around that one) if only I could have one…entire…day…to rest…to focus on God…have some quiet time with God and leave the world outside of my quiet, warm, comforting darkness.

It would be a challenge.  And, it does break my heart a bit to admit that finding time to rest is a challenge.  Tyler and I know a couple that has been encouraging us to take a sabbath.  They have been practicing it for years.  One day a week, they spend 24 hours resting and focusing on God.  They make sure they have all they will need in the house just before it starts, and then, they devote 24 hours to rest and God’s word.  They lounge.  They read the Word.  They speak the Word.  They pray.  They sing.  They sleep.  They often fast during that time.  All of their “activity” during the day is devoted in one way or another to God.

It sounded crazy to me at first.  How could I possibly find time for a Sabbath?  If the Bible doesn’t convince a person, this couple would.  They are happy, they are healthy, they are successful.  And guess what, their house is even clean…somehow, it all still gets done.  In fact, they would even claim that more gets done.  And, they are blessed by it.

How peaceful.

How beautiful.

What better way to end the week?  You would look forward to your sabbath all week.  You would be refreshed and renewed and ready to take on the tasks of next week by simply not even thinking about them until AFTER your sabbath.

I am a time cruncher.  I like order and structure and schedules.  You know, I think God appreciates time in much the same way. 

I think I can learn a few things from his priorities.

October 30, 2008

The soundtrack of life suddenly shifts from the low blue-sy sounds of the work day as school bells all over the town send a fury of sound into the cool fall air.  As children erupt from their classrooms, sounds of laughter, chatter, screaming, crying, yelling, running and playing breakout, changing the quiet feel to one that is rushed.  Its deafening at first.  Children flood out onto the playgrounds around the schools.  Like water, they are hustled from one area to the next guided by the boundaries set by those before them, and slowly, the crowd begins to thin as parents and babysitters collect their own. 

Whats left of the flood begin to flow from the grounds around the school to the sidewalks and streets.  They clump off into their own groups as they slide deeper into the residential areas–into their own yards and homes–to the comfort of the familiar.  Slowly, the groups of children leak away from words and texts of school and into whats left of the world. 

One group walks deep into a residential area near my home.  They slow as they approach a large, plain building with only a cross displayed on its walls for protection.  Suddenly, a child breaks away from the group and confidently walks toward the door while he digs for a book among all those containing great knowledge in his bag.  He is careful not to spill his treasures as he enters.  Reluctantly, the rest of the mass break away towards their own worlds, scattering papers and trampling leaves as they go; they seek others like them on their way, calling out familiar names. 

And its quiet again.  The soundtrack slips back into its blue-sy chords that are buried so deep in the drama of life we hardley notice.

“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Romans 12:2

An Unconventional Challenge

Donald Miller is by far one of my favorite authors.  As most authors do, he receives much criticism from the conventional and christian worlds, alike.  What I love about Donald Miller’s writing is that he can turn any story into a “God thing”.  He captures images of God in everyday living and creates beautiful stories.  He can turn already exciting stories into amazing examples of commitment to Christ.  He is one of the few writers that I read and wish that I could have come up with their stories.  He captures stories and songs that are already resonating in my heart–he just has the ability to bring them to the surface.

After reading many of his books, and recently searching for inspiration to write, I have decided to challenge myself to capture God in my everyday activities.  You know it and I know it…He is already there–He is always there.  We just need to open our hearts and recognize Him. 

When I woke up this morning, it was the alarm that ripped my mind from sleep, but it was God that gave me the gift of life and allowed me to come back into consciousness.  When I drove to school today, it was my car that physically transported me, but it was God that protected me and kept me alert and it was his creation that stimulated my brain to recall an already learned process.  When I was sitting in class, it was my instructor forming the words to teach me new concepts, but it was God that allowed my mind to wrap around and grasp those words to form concept.  When I mailed a care package today, it was my sister that inspired my heart to create the package, but it was God that molded my heart into one of compassion to be sensitive enough to recognize the need…

I’m doing this as a way to inspire writing, but it seems that maybe it is God teaching me to glorify Him…teaching me to take time and recognize His work in my life…

As I am searching for these stories in my everyday life–as I learn to become more of an observer of my own life–I’ll be seeing ways to better live in a way that honors His name…

See, He’s already moving on my heart.  Already, I’m seeing opportunites to magnify him in myself.

“I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.  My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.  O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.”  Psalm 34:1-3

How Pride Snuck Into My Life

Somehow, I believe that God is going to get his message across, no matter what. Sometimes I don’t see it right away, but today, I got the message.

Pride is an ugly thing. It comes in perfect disguise as good intentions, sometimes. Never would I have ever dreamt that pride would be an issue in my life. Today, I was surprised to see that it has been here a while.

I am a bit hard on myself when it comes to school. I am competitve…with myself. I have this standard that I feel like I can never live up to, leading me to push myself a little too hard at times. I did well last semester, to everybody elses’ standards, but my own. My husband thought I was crazy last semester and I told him it wasn’t going to get any better, because now I know how to play the game–now I know what it takes and I know I can always give a little more. (He can’t wait until I am out of school.)

It is true. I am crazier this semester. I like schedules and order, so I keep a list of things to do in front of me, constantly. I get up at 5:00AM so I can have an hour in the Word, an hour on the trail, then an hour to get ready for the day. At 8:00AM I am either in class or studying or clinicals and I do a combination of those until 4:00 when I go to work. I get home at 8:00PM, I enjoy an hour with my husband, then another hour in the books then I go to bed. On the weekends, there is even more studying (and more time with Tyler).

If anybody would ask, I maintain that God is #1 in my life. I understand the difference between worldly living and living like Christ. I can identify when worldly things take over my heart. But does it look that way? I just admitted to spending only 1 hour in God’s Word and at least 9 hours in the words of man (textbooks)! From the outside looking in, school is first. But seriously, if it wasn’t for God working in my life, I wouldn’t even be in school.

Somewhere I let pride step in and tell me that I can do this myself. I have literally drawn up my own agenda. And, its even on paper. God put me in this position for reasons beyond my education and I haven’t even bothered to listen to what it is. I have been too concerned about how I am going to succeed. Funny, isn’t it, as if I could even consider conquering something on my own!

Now, don’t get me wrong. For me, it is going to take this much effort in school. Not just because I am a bit of a perfectionist, but because I know that God wants me to do whatever it is I do the BEST I can do it. So, I know He doesn’t have a problem with the amount of time I put in to school, He just wants to be a part of it because He put me here. I need to take a step beyond that 2 hours I give him a day and keep the dialogue open even during my studies. I need to push pride out of my heart and realize it isn’t only MY efforts that are going to make me succeed, it is His work in my heart. I need to fall back on Him. I need to ask for His guidance all day because frankly, I can’t possibly know my purpose without Him. He put me here. He has a purpose. Right now, I’m so focused on my day to day things, that I don’t have a clue.

Everyday, I read a message on a website. Today, this paragraph jumped of the screen and into my heart. I have never felt more convicted.

” Pride’s goal is to make us independent of God, duping us into believing that we are in control of our own fate and are able to call our own shots. What audacity we possess as humans to think we can live life on our own when, whether we admit it or not, we are totally dependent on God and even our very next breath is a gift from His hand. Pride convinces us that we can play God, worshipping ourselves while erecting false idols shrouded in rebellion and sin. Pride is the universal religion of hell and a deadly poison. “

Even our very NEXT BREATH is a gift…and I think I can do this school thing all while continuing to breathe.

I have made an idol out of school by not allowing Him into my efforts. An idol! That is sickening, because I won’t admit to liking school that much. Yet, somehow….

Long story short, I need Him to be a part of everything I do, or even my definition of success is completely unattainable. And you know, I think he has greater plans for me than even that.