Call Me Mary

Anyone who has spent some time with me has probably heard about my alter-ego, Mary.  If not, here’s the not-so-dramatic rundown, in a nutshell.  So, I guess when I was young, I went through a phase during which I insisted upon being called Mary.  No, you don’t understand.  There were months, possibly years when I would not answer to anything but Mary (or Jody, but that’s another story).  Really, who can blame me?  I mean, I have looked back and I can’t recall a single Mary that I knew who might have inspired me during that time in my life.  The only Mary I could have possibly known was the Mary that carried Jesus.  Of course, I was a bit of a drama queen, so I can imagine the reason I wanted to be like Mary was so I could be her for the Christmas Program.  That is, after all, one of the most important roles of the entire show–second only to Jesus himself!!

That’s the perspective of a child, though.  Developmentally, that is quite normal, I assure you.  I like to think that I have grown out of that a bit.  In fact, I was thinking about Mary just the other night on my way to work, while listening to one of my favorite songs by Amy Grant, “Breath of Heaven”.

I think this song tells the Christmas Story from Mary’s perspective.  But it struck me as more than just a Christmas song on that particular night.  Right now, I’m really going through a period of unrest, especially when considering my career options.  Nursing is a field of infinite possibilities, which is why I love it; but that definitely leaves me wondering, What am I supposed to be doing with this gift?

My work at the hospital is hard.  It is more difficult than anything I have ever done, more stressful than I could have possibly imagined, and so demanding that I am left questioning my abilities on a daily basis.  I am here now.  Where do I want to be?   How do I get there?  How does this current situation fit in with the plan? because I can often paint myself pretty miserable.

So, I’m driving to work, swimming through all of this in my head as I often do, nearly in tears, when this song comes on and I realize, Maybe I am Mary.

Now, before you go judging me, I am not claiming to be Mary reincarnate or anything.  And, to all of you family members reading into this, no, this is not my way of telling you I am with child!  Hear me out, because maybe you too, will realize that your alter-ego should be named Mary, too!  Let’s break it down.

I have traveled,
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I’ve done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

This is Mary saying, Why me, God?  I imagine that while the thought of carrying baby Jesus now might sound glamorous and exciting, it was quite a burden for the unmarried, virgin Mary.  Imagine the stress!  All of those people who probably called her unspeakable names.  You think this would be looked down upon today, imagine it in that day!!  She’s thinking, here I am traveling in the cold, through the night, very, very pregnant with no other explanation than You have chosen me.  What the heck happened?  How did I get here again?  What have I done that has made me so “special” (and believe me, I bet there were times she felt that there was nothing special about this.)

I totally get this.  While my task is nowhere near the size of Mary’s, I get it.

Sometimes we go through things in life that seem like such a weight on our shoulders.  We feel like we can’t possibly do this, but who else will do it?  For some reason, you are the one.  Though you sometimes hate it, and maybe even drag your feet to get to it, you still do it because you know that you are the only one and it has to be done.  So you do it, and you do it with all of your heart, even if it makes you miserable at times.  That is me right now.

I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Every night as I drive to work I am terrified of what I will find and how I will handle it.  I pray that I will have the knowledge to know what to do to monitor and care for my patients.  I pray for their lives and for their health.  Often, I feel like I’m the only nurse up there that feels like they might not know what the heck they are doing and I just pray that God is right there because I can’t do it on my own.  I know that the only way I will ever know what I am supposed to do is through Him.  He is, after all, responsible for every breath I take and every inch of knowledge and instinct I have acquired.

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy Breath of Heaven

Sometimes, I can’t feel His presence, even when I pray until I sweat and cry, I can’t feel Him.  But, I can always feel my breath and I know that it is not my own.  God is responsible for my every breath, so if I can just pause my thoughts for a moment, feel my breath, hear my breath, I know He is there.  He is guiding my every move and I can trust that as long as I am in that moment with that very breath pushing me forward, I am doing exactly what I should be doing, according to the plan.  For whatever reason, I am in that moment, and it is absolutely and completely on purpose.

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

At the end of any night, I look back and realize that I did it, and I sometimes even think I did it well!  But then I think about all the situations I found myself begging for guidance and help knowing what to do in those critical moments and I wonder, Is it me that You want right here, right now, God?  Does it worry You that I am the one You have chosen for this role, this very moment?…because I sure need a LOT of help from You.  Please, God, don’t stop helping me!

Looking back at this song as a whole, I realize that that is exactly it.  I am the one that has been chosen for this very job at this very moment.  This situation, no matter how hard or how easy it might be, is exactly the situation I need to be in, not just for me and my future, but for the entire world to exist as it does!

Yeah, my role isn’t quite as awesome as Mary’s role!  I have found that what made Mary so wonderful was not that she was the star of any show, but that she was merely a vessel from which the King of Kings, the God of All Creation was to make His grand entrance into the world–the world that needed saving!  That is a very humble and incredibly vital role to take!  I won’t be famous someday for what I do.  Nobody will look back on these moments and think they need to record them in history so people of the future will know where it started.  But, I, like Mary, can be a vessel.  My role plays a very important part in the lives of those I work with and care for; and those people are going to take that experience–whatever it may be, good or bad–and touch their personal “worlds” in a way that is different for having me be a part of their lives before.  Really, I can count myself better for trusting in God to take control of those moments, like Mary had to do.  Despite the “misery”, despite the “burden”, I  know my small, insignificant role is absolutely necessary for the greater good…somewhere out there.

(It should be known that I did get to play Mary for a Christmas Program once.  My church told a story through a slide show.  Several days before the BIG SHOW, all of the kids posed for pictures portraying a modern take on the Christmas Story.  The night of my debut, in front of all the church, the first picture of the Holy Family flashed across the wall.  There I was, Mary!  I was standing there with Joseph, holding Baby Jesus; doing my absolute best to display unconditional love and awe while staring into the face of God, played by a plastic Linus doll from Peanuts, while my Joseph placed his arm lovingly around me gave me bunny ears.  Not the moment I had hoped for, but maybe the beginning of my understanding of humility; P)

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