That’s the perspective of a child, though.  Developmentally, that is quite normal, I assure you.  I like to think that I have grown out of that a bit.  In fact, I was thinking about Mary just the other night on my way to work, while listening to one of my favorite songs by Amy Grant, “Breath of Heaven”.

I think this song tells the Christmas Story from Mary’s perspective.  But it struck me as more than just a Christmas song on that particular night.  Right now, I’m really going through a period of unrest, especially when considering my career options.  Nursing is a field of infinite possibilities, which is why I love it; but that definitely leaves me wondering, What am I supposed to be doing with this gift?

My work at the hospital is hard.  It is more difficult than anything I have ever done, more stressful than I could have possibly imagined, and so demanding that I am left questioning my abilities on a daily basis.  I am here now.  Where do I want to be?   How do I get there?  How does this current situation fit in with the plan? because I can often paint myself pretty miserable.

So, I’m driving to work, swimming through all of this in my head as I often do, nearly in tears, when this song comes on and I realize, Maybe I am Mary.

Now, before you go judging me, I am not claiming to be Mary reincarnate or anything.  And, to all of you family members reading into this, no, this is not my way of telling you I am with child!  Hear me out, because maybe you too, will realize that your alter-ego should be named Mary, too!  Let’s break it down.

I have traveled,
Many moonless night
Cold and Weary
With a babe inside
And I wonder
What I’ve done
Holy Father
You have come
Chosen me now
To carry your son

This is Mary saying, Why me, God?  I imagine that while the thought of carrying baby Jesus now might sound glamorous and exciting, it was quite a burden for the unmarried, virgin Mary.  Imagine the stress!  All of those people who probably called her unspeakable names.  You think this would be looked down upon today, imagine it in that day!!  She’s thinking, here I am traveling in the cold, through the night, very, very pregnant with no other explanation than You have chosen me.  What the heck happened?  How did I get here again?  What have I done that has made me so “special” (and believe me, I bet there were times she felt that there was nothing special about this.)

I totally get this.  While my task is nowhere near the size of Mary’s, I get it.

Sometimes we go through things in life that seem like such a weight on our shoulders.  We feel like we can’t possibly do this, but who else will do it?  For some reason, you are the one.  Though you sometimes hate it, and maybe even drag your feet to get to it, you still do it because you know that you are the only one and it has to be done.  So you do it, and you do it with all of your heart, even if it makes you miserable at times.  That is me right now.

I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Every night as I drive to work I am terrified of what I will find and how I will handle it.  I pray that I will have the knowledge to know what to do to monitor and care for my patients.  I pray for their lives and for their health.  Often, I feel like I’m the only nurse up there that feels like they might not know what the heck they are doing and I just pray that God is right there because I can’t do it on my own.  I know that the only way I will ever know what I am supposed to do is through Him.  He is, after all, responsible for every breath I take and every inch of knowledge and instinct I have acquired.

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness
For you are holy Breath of Heaven

Sometimes, I can’t feel His presence, even when I pray until I sweat and cry, I can’t feel Him.  But, I can always feel my breath and I know that it is not my own.  God is responsible for my every breath, so if I can just pause my thoughts for a moment, feel my breath, hear my breath, I know He is there.  He is guiding my every move and I can trust that as long as I am in that moment with that very breath pushing me forward, I am doing exactly what I should be doing, according to the plan.  For whatever reason, I am in that moment, and it is absolutely and completely on purpose.

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

At the end of any night, I look back and realize that I did it, and I sometimes even think I did it well!  But then I think about all the situations I found myself begging for guidance and help knowing what to do in those critical moments and I wonder, Is it me that You want right here, right now, God?  Does it worry You that I am the one You have chosen for this role, this very moment?…because I sure need a LOT of help from You.  Please, God, don’t stop helping me!

Looking back at this song as a whole, I realize that that is exactly it.  I am the one that has been chosen for this very job at this very moment.  This situation, no matter how hard or how easy it might be, is exactly the situation I need to be in, not just for me and my future, but for the entire world to exist as it does!

Yeah, my role isn’t quite as awesome as Mary’s role!  I have found that what made Mary so wonderful was not that she was the star of any show, but that she was merely a vessel from which the King of Kings, the God of All Creation was to make His grand entrance into the world–the world that needed saving!  That is a very humble and incredibly vital role to take!  I won’t be famous someday for what I do.  Nobody will look back on these moments and think they need to record them in history so people of the future will know where it started.  But, I, like Mary, can be a vessel.  My role plays a very important part in the lives of those I work with and care for; and those people are going to take that experience–whatever it may be, good or bad–and touch their personal “worlds” in a way that is different for having me be a part of their lives before.  Really, I can count myself better for trusting in God to take control of those moments, like Mary had to do.  Despite the “misery”, despite the “burden”, I  know my small, insignificant role is absolutely necessary for the greater good…somewhere out there.

(It should be known that I did get to play Mary for a Christmas Program once.  My church told a story through a slide show.  Several days before the BIG SHOW, all of the kids posed for pictures portraying a modern take on the Christmas Story.  The night of my debut, in front of all the church, the first picture of the Holy Family flashed across the wall.  There I was, Mary!  I was standing there with Joseph, holding Baby Jesus; doing my absolute best to display unconditional love and awe while staring into the face of God, played by a plastic Linus doll from Peanuts, while my Joseph placed his arm lovingly around me gave me bunny ears.  Not the moment I had hoped for, but maybe the beginning of my understanding of humility; P)

The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent’s food.

This sounds like a lovely place to dwell, doesn’t it?  Seems like that place in time that the majority of the human race might refer to as world peace.  To me, it sounds like the Kingdom of Heaven.  It comes from the book of Isaiah, chapter 65 vs. 25.  If you read the passage before that particular verse, it really falls into place.  This particular verse reminds me that with God there is hope.  With God, all things are possible.  So, that verse that describes that perfect peace–the Kingdom–I need to stash away in my heart, where God already dwells, for remembrance.

I spend quite a little time in the Word.  I use Bible studies and commentaries and dictionaries and cross-references to help me better understand whatever it is I am supposed to be getting out of a particular passage on a particular day.  That’s pretty deliberate action, on my part, to try to connect the dots.  Lately, I’ve been using a less deliberate approach.  I read from a  book that takes me through specific passages, but doesn’t force me to read them in any particular order.  It’s a devotional that does happen to have 365 entries which might suggest that I read once a day, but it doesn’t have a date that binds me to that reading on anyparticular day.  (Pretty freeing actually, I find that it is much easier for me to find time daily to go through when I don’t feel like I have to…somehow, but I digress.)  So, I’ve been starting out my Bible time with this book and then finishing with a list of reading that will also take me through the Bible in 365 days and gives me Old Testament passages to read, followed by New Testament passages.  These two resources have nothing to do with each other.  Yet somehow, one always makes the other more clear to me.  That’s an example of why we call the Bible a living text, folks!  But, on the particular day I read about the wolf and the lamb, I also read this:

When they had pasture, they became satisfied, they were satisfied and their hearts became proud.  Therefore, they forgot Me.

That comes from Hosea 13:6.  You know, that’s probably God trying to tell us something, but unfortunately it’s the people that forgot God that I identify with in that passage.  I’m going to examine my own spiritual life for a minute, because I can totally see this happening far too often than I would like to admit.

I feel like I have a pretty good prayer life, but unfortunately it seems I find myself using prayer more often when I feel like I need something.  For so long, I hope and I pray for a change that will satisfy some need.  I do this with the right attitude of course.  I pray about God’s will for my life and ask Him to identify whether this is justified and to lead my heart towards the right path.  I do this especially during times of turmoil and unrest.  Sometimes I get abrupt answers and I give thanks or I say, yeah, I know you’re right, I’ll lay off for a while.  But sometimes my answers happen very gradual and are very subtle.  The next thing I know, things are falling into place.  And, after a very long time, perhaps so long that I have forgotten about my many outcries for help, I find myself living the life I had always hoped for and dwelling among the answers for which I prayed.  But, I have forgotten where I came from; more than that, I have forgotten where my blessing came from.  I might even have failed to recognize them as blessings at this point.  So, then I naturally forget to be thankful.  To say it very bluntly, that’s because I am human and I often forget I need God for just about everything.  (Think about it.  You can’t take one single breath without Him.)

That’s when the pride sneaks in.  It was such a gradual change in to satisfaction, that somewhere in my mind it became a “me thing” instead of a “God thing”.  I forgot about all that conversation I had with God, about the emptiness I had been feeling in that area of my life.  I forgot about all the prayer and hard work and time I put in with God and I start to justify it as normal.  I somehow think that I am deserved of such GRACE.  Of course I would never recognize it as such.  I just think I am going along living MY OWN life.  So then, slowly, I forget about the thanksgiving that hasn’t happened yet.  And since we have a jealous God…well, that doesn’t go over very well, I would imagine.  I like to think that it kind of hurts His feelings–if I can liken that to what a human might experience.

Verse 9 of this same chapter says

I will destroy you, Israel; you have no help but Me.

He gives, and He gives abundantly whether we see it or not, every single moment of every single day (think, again, about the need for breath).  But, He can also take away.  Listen, I’m not saying that our God is hostile and wants to hurt us.  He wants, in fact, the very opposite.  For the most part, we humans take care of the “taking away” part ourselves.  We find ourselves in the above situation (notice how I have changed from “I” statements to “we” statements.  I’m going out on a limb here and suggesting that you might be experiencing something like this on a rare occasion.)  We forget that it took God to lead us to that place of satisfaction that we now are recognizing as normal and deserved.  And, in a way, we turn our backs on Him.  That place–without Him–is where we find the destruction that occurs.  Self destruction, really.  That’s what happens when we take our lives into our own hands and fail to recognize that our lives are not our own and that our lives are not even possible without God.  (If I can’t even breathe without God, how can I possibly take a step, make a decision, walk through a life event?)

Take a look back at that first passage.  This is when we need to step back from ourselves a little and remember where the wolves and lambs feed together.  The Kingdom of God, yes?  That’s that place I have stashed in my heart.  That place of hope.  The only way that place exists is with God in our hearts.  It’s there when we “need” him, of course!  But also, when we find satisfaction.

I love being just this whirlwind of a person.  In and out of a person’s life.  Touching them in some way.  Anyway.  As long as they remember me.

There’s never this searching for the right thing to say or avoiding this topic or that.  There is nothing wrong or right to say.  It is living utterly fearless of other people.  You never have to worry about the feelings you may or may not have for them.  The past never comes up, because there is no past there to elicit.  There’s just this unbelievably huge, undisclosed future for which you are currently unqualified to consider.  And you are forced to live in the moment.

And doesn’t that feel great?  No future plans.  No past sorrows and let downs.  Just right here, right now.  I can’t get mad at you.  You don’t know me.

And when it’s over, you just walk away.  It’s over.  Nobody has to say or do anything.  Nothing has to be politically correct.  No strategic planning needs to be involved.  It’s just over.  You never have to see them again.

And when you do it that way and keep it that way, it’s never complicated.  You can rest assured, everyone who wants to rekindle the past will remember it.  But you never have to worry about what they are thinking about it now.  You only have the brief time to relive anyway–but you won’t, you’re in another moment with another person already.  And if you did your job and you touched their life–even made it perfect and maybe beautiful for that brief time or moment you shared–they will always think of you fondly.

I think this is how all encounters begin.  The hard part is finding the exit.  And, in that case, I think I may have just described love.

Have you ever read Isaiah 55?  No, I mean actually read it?  I mean, I’ve read it.  I’ve read it lots of times.  And I’ve always pulled great things out of it.

“Come, everyone who is thirsty, come to the waters; and you without money, come, buy, and eat!…Pay attention and come to Me; listen, so that you will live.  I will make an everlasting covenant with you…For the Lord your God…has glorified you.”

That is some deep, incredible stuff!  I don’t know exactly when I first ran across that part of Isaiah 55, but I remember how vibrant it became after I invited God back into my heart and asked him to stay a while.  It’s great!  Isn’t it?

You know, the next part is pretty great, too.  Of course it is.  It was written by God, the author of all authors.  I’m not exactly a critic when it comes to His works.  But read Isaiah 55: 6-9:

“Seek the Lord while He may be found; call to Him while He is near.  Let the wicked one abandon his way, and the sinful one his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, so He may have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will freely forgive.  ‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.  For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

I used to read that and say, uh-huh, yeah, wow, that is really neat.  I don’t think I ever knew exactly what to make of it.  I  mean, I think I always found it kind of condemning.  Like God was calling me out about being human, you know?   But then I read this prayer that Kyle Lake wrote in his book to accompany that text:

“God, I hold fast to You right now for who You are, knowing full well that at this moment You are not like me and I am not like You.  Right now, my thoughts are not Your thoughts, my ways are not entirely Your ways, my values are not entirely Your values.  But, God, I still cling to You, and I approach my future amid this inevitable conflict of interests between Your ways and Your thoughts, and my ways and my thoughts.  And, when Your ways and Your thoughts conflict with mine, I will strive to be the one who changes.”

Maybe it is just this phase in life I find myself in that helps me to suddenly really understand this.  I don’t really know.  It feels like I’ve been gone for a while though.  I have still been doing my daily reading, I have still been doing some prayer throughout the day, but somehow there is this distance.  I still ask for guidance.  I still feel guided at times.  But you know, still there is this incredible and unbearable distance.  This passage, and the prayer that has shed new light on it for me, helps me to see what made that distance so possible: me.  And, its okay.  I AM human.  I am NOT God.   That’s why this distance happens.  I can’t be perfect like Him, I can only strive to be more like Him.  What is important is that I recognize the distance, evaluate it, and MOVE!  I am the only one that can move closer to Him.  He always stays right there.  Whether or not he is within reach is up to me.

“Do not bring your servant into judgement, for no one alive is righteous in Your sight.  For the enemy has pursued me, crushing me to the ground, making me live in darkness like those long dead.”

It helps me reflect on what I have done and focus on where I need to go.

I used to think that nothing I did was bad.  I mean, its kind of a developmental thing–something we all go through–especially in high school.  Then I started reviewing some things I did with people.  Like when I thought about how stupid that person was.  Yeah, I actually said stupid, I’ll admit that to you.  And I didn’t follow that up with a thought that ended with, but God and I love them anyway.  So, then I said, okay, nothing I did was THAT bad.  And I lived like that for a while.  Then I did something that I immediately said, Tonya, now you’re the stupid one.  I prayed that God would reveal my heart to me.  The VERY FIRST thing He showed me was how prideful that was.  To think that I was so good, so squeaky clean, that I needed HIM to show me how ugly I had been.  Alright, alright, I get it, I stink!  This is where the next words really start to play out,”My spirit is weak within me; my heart is overcome with dismay.”  I mean really, I can get pretty disgusted with myself sometimes.

So now, I linger on those words a bit.  I bring it to the front of my conciousness that I have been pursued by the enemy, again, and they have won, again.  And here I am, again, living in darkness, again.  Sounds pretty daunting.  But here’s the difference I’ve seen.  I am learning to search for His light.  In all of this darkness, I know it is there.  Just being aware of the fact that I have been pursued and I am being pursued by the darkness keeps me on my toes and keeps me searching for the light.  What I’ve noticed is that the darkness isn’t always there anymore.  Yeah, I slip up.  I slip up a lot.  Some days more than others.  But just bringing it to the front of every day helps me search a little harder and a little longer the next day.  I notice the “little things” I do that aren’t in line with what I believe and I steer pretty clear of the “big” things.  (I should  point out that I do understand that I am the only one that can rationalize what is little and big.  I know that “things” are “things” no matter how I categorize them.  If you don’t like that, you can substitute subtle for little things and obvious for big things).

It’s the next words that drag me out of the dismay, “I remember the days of old; I meditate on all You have done; I reflect on the work of Your hands.  I spread out my hands to You; I am like parched land before you.”  This gives me a chance to think about times I really knew I was in line with Him and how great that felt.  It’s a little corny but, I picture myself bathed in the sun of His glory, surrounded by the beauty of his nature, standing tall with my hands reaching out to Him.  I see the waters of His love bathing the desert that is my heart having been left dry from the world’s demands.  It’s the whole sun-rays-parting-the-clouds scene.  I love it.  This is me “experiencing his faithful love in the morning” and it is awesome.  Never ceases to give me goosebumps.

“Let me experience your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You.  Reveal to me the way I should go, because I long for you.  Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I come to You for protection.”

It feels so good to ask for forgiveness and realize I can start over today.  I can say, Today I am going wherever you go, Lord.  Take me with you!  And, while you are at it, place this bubble of protection around me, because I don’t want to fall away from You today.  I just want to be near you.  Don’t let the darkness drag me away again.  I know I will need this bubble of protection because as much as I say, I’m with You, I know I am being pursued and I can’t save myself, I need Him in my heart to get through it alive.

“Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God.  May Your gracious Spirit lead me on level ground.”

I know I am getting better at this.  Everyday I find myself in a not so black-and-white situation.  I used to just go by what made the most people happy.  Now, I find myself saying, What do I know is right in my heart?  How do I stay true to my God in this situation?  He’s teaching me everyday.  It’s like I’m living a great case study.  Let me tell you, that’s pretty cool!

If you are reading this, thanks!  But really, go read Psalm 143.  Just sit with it and let it be for a few more minutes than you normally would.  It is a great passage!  I didn’t cover it all here.  Everyday it hits me a little different.  Today, this felt really important.

Fighting back is NOT a solution.

No matter how much you want to scream and flail your arms wildly, hoping to take out the attacker with a lucky shot, it is not going to help.  This only lengthens the attack and, in fact, turns it into a fight.  I don’t know about you, but my mom always told me not to get involved in fights.  There is a reason for that.  Somebody is going to get hurt and in this case, possilby covered in fecal matter…not your own.  When I tried this tactic, it backfired wildly.  While I did avoid the fecal matter, I did not deter the attack.  I also did not deter the people across the road from video taping the whole thing.  Perhaps some good will come of this.  Perhaps they will win $10,000 with that video someday.

Trying to reason with the attacker is NOT a solution.

In many cases, you can talk a person out of doing something.  I, myself, am quite skilled at this.  However, when dealing with animals, especially those that are not domesticated, there is no reasoning.  They are called animals for a reason.  So, I attempted to reason with this animal in much the same way that Ceasar, the Dog Whisperer would.  I was firm, confident and I meant it when I “Tzssssst”-ed at the animal.  This also was ineffective as this animal had no reason to listen to my authority. 

Making noise to deter an attack when approaching the animal is NOT a solution.

I tried singing while approaching the usual area of attack.  In this particular case, I believe this alerted the animal to come towards me quicker and more furiously.  Perhaps I should have wore bells and yelled “No bird!  No bird!  Stay away bird!” 

Changing routes is NOT a solution.

I believe this makes it more of a game for the attacker.  I become an object of pursuit.  Today I came from a different direction and stopped short of the area I am usually attacked.  When I was late for my arrival, the animal came looking for me and punished me for having to come all this way just to attack me in the usual way by attacking me relentlessly for much longer than usual.

Soon, I fear this bird will be waiting for me outside of my house when I leave for work…just to mess me up when I least expect it.

I am a runner.  I would even call myself pretty devoted.  I run in all kinds of conditions.  My relationship with running is a love/hate relationship, yet still I continue to run.  There is something about the scent of the changing seasons as I breathe it through my labored lungs that is both exhausting and energizing.  Something about the feeling of my muscles as they twitch in pain and triumph while I sprint to the end of my path that makes me long for the next time I can go for another dance along the beaten path.

I run in rain and snow.  I run in icy conditions and humidity over 90%.  I run in temperatures above 90 degrees and approaching 0 degrees.  When the wind is gusting around 40 mph, still I run.

When my knees ache and my ankles are swollen, I run.  When my stomach is screaming–too full, too empty–I run.  When my nose is running and my asthma is challenging my lungs, I run. 

I have tripped, I have fallen, I have been tangled with my dog in front of people, and still I get up and run. I have had old blisters and created new ones, I’ve had road rash and splinters, I’ve been tired, I’ve been grumpy, I’ve made excuses for reasons not to run and I still tie on my worn shoes and drag myself to a different section of the trail to run.

But, the last two weeks, I have met a challenge that I never dreamt I would ever encounter–especially while doing something that my body and my mind seem so addicted to accomplishing each day.  Something that has literally made me question my love for the trail and my ability to go on.  Something that I have lieterally dropped to my knees with tears in my eyes while encountering.  A bulley.

I know, how does this happen on the trail?  How does this happen in the midst of God’s creation and goodness?  I don’t know.  These are answers I’ve been searching for day and night.  What I have concluded, though, is that there must be a lesson to learn from this.  That is why I am writing it out, to sort my thoughts.

At first I thought the incident was simply coincidental, but each day as I approach the same area of the trail, the same familiar corner, the same tree that brushes my hair as I run beneath it, the same thing happens as the day before.  In fact, I have to pass through the same area, not once, but TWICE to return.  Furthermore, I have watched other people pass the same strecth of territory, completely unaffected.  Now I know it is not coincidental.  This is purely intentional.  I’ve asked myself, What am I doing wrong?  What can I do to avoid making this happen tomorrow?  What can I do to change this outcome? 

At first I just tried to continue running through the attack–as if I was oblivious to what was going on.  Then I couldn’t take it anymore and have made it standard practice to completely change course and go off trail as I approach what I have come to know as no-man’s land.  That worked temporarily, but now the bulley is on to my strategy.  Now the bulley waits for the moment I will cross her path.  She watches from her perch as I approach her territory.  I’m sure she sits there all morning until she sees me coming.  Then, I get one loud warning scream.  If I don’t turn around, and I won’t!  Then she attacks! 

Screaming she swoops upon me, pinching at my hair.  Just as you think it is over, she swoops and screams again, and again, and again.  It goes on like this for at least 1/10 of a mile.  She never touches my flesh, but the screaming alone is enough to make a person crazy!  It all happens so quickly, I can never actually see her, only her shadow if the sun is just right as she usually comes from behind.

Did I mention that my bulley is a bird?

How do I combat this?  I am at a loss here.  Today I even planned to retreat to an alternative return route instead of having to face her again on my way back.  But, that route adds about a mile to my route and fatigue clouded my judgement.  I crossed her path…again.  Sprinting through the attack, I vowed I would not have this problem again.  I will somehow stand up to this!  But how?

Is it really ME that has to change?  Do I look like a big scary egg-thief as I grunt, spit and sweat my way past her beloved nest?  I don’t know.

I’m considering bringing in back-up.  That is a risk in itself because I know the only creature brave enough to take this on with me is my dog, Onyx.  Let me just say, she’s a bit of a hazard herself.  I’ve had a few more bruises and scrapes than I would like to admit while running with her at my side. 

Of course, that is a more passive approach, assuming there will be power in numbers.  My husband is a little more aggressive in handling these kinds of situations.  Recently, he purchased electrified fly swatters.  You can imagine his solution to this situation.

I’m convinced there is a happy medium.  There is a way for us to share the territory.  We WILL find harmony.

Bulleying is a serious and hazardous action.  I know there are answers to this serious problem.  I’m convinced I will find it!

Discalimer:  I am not making fun of the topic of bulleying, but rather the fact that I have been getting my butt kicked by a bird for two weeks!

Sometimes, you meet a person that plays a role in your life that you didn’t even know was unfilled.  Somehow, you were completely unaware of the casting call they answered.  People drop in and out of your life, everyday.  Each of those people plays a part in the story of your life at that given moment.  

Sometimes,these people are but a whisper.  They are there for a moment, but you barely recognize why, when they arrived, and when they stepped out of the pictures.  Their presence is evident only after the moment has already passed.

Sometimes, they arrive like a storm.  They are there in the heat of the moment, they are fueling the fire.  They immediately change, they possibly damage.  Only after they are gone do you realize the change and possible damage they have managed to create.

Sometimes they move you like the wind.  They are there for a very specific reason.  They accomplish that goal.  Then they quietly step out.

More often we have the people that act like the effect of weather and environment.  They are always there.  They are there for everything and for very long periods of time.  When they leave, your life is so changed by them that you look nothing like the person you were before.

God places people in my life so specifically that when I look back, I see very specific people in very specific roles at all of the milestone I have met.  My testimony to God outlines a path of people and events that had any of those been out of place or missed their cue, I may not have made it to this point.  It would have completely changed the outcome.  I think most people would agree that this is true. 

But what about those other people?  What about those roles that you sometimes miss?  What is their message to you?  What is that connection?  I guarantee there is one.  God does things on purpose.  There is a reason.

Look at the people that surround you daily.  Place them in your life story.  That’s easy.  But, what about that lady that was behind you at the grocery store with the crummy kid that she kept giving in to?  You know, the one you kept thinking about how to solve the problem that was obviously the kid?  Haven’t you seen her somewhere before?  Think…I bet there is a connection.  There is a very specific reason that she is standing there, right behind you.  Think…harder…you’re going to miss it!  What is the message?  It may be something so small that you think it to be insignificant.  But it isn’t, it is part of a bigger plan and if you don’t act, right now, on whatever that message is, you are going to miss it! 

Think about it.  On your path, certain things had to be in place for specific things to happen.  Not all of them were that great.  Maybe a sarcastic suggestion from a person really got your wheels turning and helped you make a decision that ultimately turned into one of the biggest of your life.  Or maybe you fell and dropped all of your papers and had that person not helped you gather them as they were strewn about in the wind, they would all be gone.  But, you didn’t think about that, did you?  All you thought about was the mud prints from the shoes of that person that are forever imprinted on those papers. 

 Those things turn into huge things because they affect your person.  And your person makes a lot of decisions without you even realizing it.  Your person decides your attitude for the day which decides your outlook on your projects which determines the outcome of those projects which determine the success of…your person.

So, if you can recognize the “whispers” in our own lives, don’t you think we can make a bigger impact on the lives of those we whisper to?  Back to the scenario:

Oh, that is it.  You saw her at that support group for single mom’s.  There is a much bigger story there.  Identify with it and act.  “Hey, what a busy day here, huh?  Can I help you with your bags?”  No matter how she responds, the fact that you acted on a whisper will change the course of her day.

The friend I was speaking with today has a gift.  Actually, I believe all humans have gifts.  But that is an entirely different topic.  Her gift is that she can see the big picture.  She can see how these little pieces of decency and kindness can whisper so much happiness into a person’s life.  She can see what a great impact she can have on the lives of others with tiny little seeds of kindness which she personally and very intentionally plants everywhere she goes.  Her gift appears to be a good heart.  But that isn’t really her gift.  Her gift is the ability to act on God’s nudges.  Her gift is that she can see the good that God sees in people and can treat them like the treasures they are in His heart.  Her gift is that she can help put God’s plan into action.

Maybe we’ll just call her an Angel…

Many times I have heard the story of one of my cousins yelling this phrase when an adult tried to help her, a toddler, do anything.  I suppose, there is a phase that all children must go through in order to gain independence from those who have continually cared for them from the day they were born–but do we ever really grow out of that phase completely?

As we mature, we are taught and encouraged to ask for help when we think we need it.  For some of us it is difficult to gauge when that point comes.  Many people, I think will always deny help or even the need for it.  Sometimes we just need to give in and realize that sometimes, somebody might know best.  Sometimes, we just need to learn to trust somebody elses knowledge and allow them to take over.  On a very human level, that is incredibly difficult.  I think, to a point it is in our nature to continually seek independence.

As a Christian, this struggle can be even more difficult on a different level.  So often, we find ourselves struggling to trust God and give our lives to Him.  We find it hard to not only listen TO Him, but to even listen FOR Him.  We are so caught up in what we think will build a successful life–doing it OUR way–that we forget that He is the one with the control here.  He knows the best path for our lives, if only we would listen for His guidance.

This isn’t new.  In fact, I started thinking about this while I was doing my daily Bible reading.  Way back in Genesis, this struggle is evident.  Of course Tonya, you are thinking.  The whole reason we are in this situation called the human condition is because of The Fall–not trusting and not listening was evident there.  But that one is obvious.  The Flood is another good story to compare this condition to, but that isn’t it either.  I’m thinking about the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11:1-9.   

In verse 4 the people decide to build a tower that reaches to heaven, because how else are they going to get there, right?  Isn’t that just human of them?  “You know, God, your way of getting to heaven is nice, but watch how we can do it better…easier.”  They wanted to do this to make a name for themselves.  Notice, though, how at the end of the verse they are worried about being scattered about the earth.  Now, who did they think would do that?  They have no reason to believe that there is any other living being IN THE WORLD.  In verse 1 and 2 ”the people” that came up with this idea are described.  Those verses give us every reason to believe that these people are the people of the whole earth and they traveled together and lived together and came up with this idea together.  So, who were they so worried about scattering them abroud?

I am not saying that this is THE way to understand this passage, but I am inclined to at least wonder if they were worried about God scattering them about before they could achieve their greatness.  Of course, God did eventually do this.  But the point is, they were trying to do something to make them great.  They were trying to do it by their own power.  They were, in fact, trying to keep God out of it–this great idea of getting to heaven by earthly means which to them was a tower.  Would you agree that this placed their attitudes somwhere above God?  How is that ever going to work for them?  How can you be successful in anything if you think you are above God, like you can bypass him and just do it on your own?

First of all, we should acknowledge that this does speak somewhat to those who think they can get to heaven by doing great earthly things.  I’m not saying that many causes aren’t worthy, but being great on earth, isn’t going to get us any closer to heaven.  Obviously, we can’t even attempt something so great as building a tower that walks us right into heaven.

How often do we do this?  After thinking about this, I thought about my own list of priorites for the day.  I had a lot of things to accomplish all of which would make me great at something if I just stuck to it.  I had a goal in mind for my run and my workout to make me faster and stronger.  I had a list of things to accomplish in the house to make me a good wife and housekeeper.  I had a list of things to get done at work to make my customers happy which in turn would make my  boss view me as successful.  I’ll read this and that and memorize these things for school so I can be better at school and be a successful nurse someday.  And, oh yeah, I need to do some Bible study and I have a list of things that I need to pray about. 

How many times have I understood this struggle, and still I see myself falling back to this list of things I can do myself to add to my own success.  I’ll be successful if I can do most or all of them and somehow, I’ve forgotten to keep God at the forefront.  You can be successful doing it yourself.  But, you’ll be more successful and it will be easier, more fulfilling success if you trust in God and remember to stop and listen for His guidance.  He has the easiest path, the easiest solution.  For His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30)

That same day, the next part of my reading brought me to Psalm 5 which reads in part:

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my meditation.

Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray.

My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.

For thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness: neither shall evil dwell with thee…

Lead me, O Lord, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face.

For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue.

Destroy thou them, O God’ let them fall by their own counsesl; cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions; for they have rebelled against thee.

But let all those that put thier trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.

For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou cojmpass him as with a shield.

I am going to commit this to my morning prayer for a while to help open my heart and my ears to His guidance.  I need to remember to remove the Babel from my human nature and remember that I will always need my Father in Heaven.

My saddness crushing me and my happiness into this pillow

It catches my grief

soaking it up in the form of wet, salty, burning tears.

I know he’s lying next to me

But I don’t feel him

The barrier of blankets and pillows is like an emotional wall he’s built

To keep people like me out

It takes all my energy to make my tears fall in silence

I strain to hear his steady breath

-the rhythm that tells me he is peaceful

somewhere in his easy dreams

In return for this effort and pouring out of silent emotions

I am enveloped in an uneasy heat

Not the warmth and comfort of a hug filled with love

But the wet, salty heat of anger, confusion, and emptiness

That the blankets catch and smother me with

Soon, my sleep will come, too

My heart will finally become worn and tired and soggy with grief

And I will be heaped into a sleep with dark lonliness that will get me by until morning

Then the sunshine will raise me up and resurrect my happiness again.